On A Bad Day

When I was about ten years old I remember seeing a teenager in Wellington wearing a black shirt with the print "TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS." I was riding in the back seat of a taxi that day with my dad and my aunt and uncle and as we stopped at a set of lights the teenager crossed the road the taxi driver shook his head while reading the contents of the teenager's shirt aloud. He laughed sardonically and as he did so I remember my adult compatriots taking notice and sharing rather sardonic chuckles themselves. What would that kid know about TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS?

Was it a slow download speed on Napster? Was it the vexatious Wellington wind? Was it being short a bus fare by a few cents? Was it the lack of attention paid to him by a female cashier at Burger King?

Maybe it was all those things. Maybe it was more. I guess it doesn't matter when it comes to TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS because perception is subjective. It's psychological. It's irrational. But the feeling may be very real.

On a bad day I'm experiencing TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS.

I'm doomed on such days. There is no hope, no light. There is no promise. And although I pretty much never swear and even seldom do it in my head I resort to profanity and it seems the only apt adjective to describe anything because it is all fucked. FUCKED. Fucking fucked.

FUCKED.

I'm feeling so low on these days which is strange for me as I like to think I'm the sort of person that leaves their front door each day in search of hope.

I feel like I've been abandoned. Although I have lots of friends and family it doesn't mean anything. I am alone even if I am not. I am abandoned even if I am surrounded. People are talking but no one is listening. Suggestions are sugar coated but they hold no pertinence. Even I know that I am being an idiot for the way I am feeling but I can't help it. I have already tried to feel otherwise. Ive already told myself that I am being irrational. But none of this matters because the feeling is so real. I am utterly empty. There is a huge void inside. I'm drowning in a sea of people. I'm falling apart in a public space. I'm silently crying out for help, for anything, something. Something that holds it all together. Something that makes sense. Something that tells me that there is purpose, a plan, meaning. That hope and love are real, not just experiences. That they have a source and it is absolute and unconditional. That love is. That love wants. That love will find me.

I don't nor ever will own a shirt that says TOTAL FUCKING DARKNESS but I feel like I've worn it before. It was on a bad day. Possibly my worst day.

It was also in Wellington. I played indoor cricket without feeling. I drove home with no urgency or desire and then lay in bed wanting to be swallowed by it never to resurface. But the feelings would not go away. I felt tormented. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to bring it to an end.

It was a work night and at 1:30AM I decided to get in my car and drive up one of the hills overlooking Wellington city in the rain. I got out of the car and stepped out into the moonless wintery night. The clouds hung low and remember fumbling my way up an overgrown path. I love mountains because they give me clarity of vision. They put things in perspective for me but on this night I felt devoid of my natural senses. When I could see the specks of city lights below me through the fog I wondered what the point in all of it was. Who really made a difference to the world? I just saw it as one big hopeless fucked up mess. I had an idea that I wanted to scream when I reached the hilly outcrop but I couldn't even manage that. My breathing started to go and I got down on my knees failing to gain any form of composure. What was happening to me? I had no idea. "Oh fuck" I remember uttering to myself. I started freaking out. I was scared. All I felt was darkness and I was at the mercy of it, like it was going to consume me. Oh, God, Oh God, please help I remember voicing in my mind over and over again and eventually my breathing started to slow back to a normal rhythm and it calmed me. I felt as though I was covered in a veil of darkness but now I started to see a pin prick of light. It was faint, tiny, minute but it disturbed the darkness and I clung to it.

'This is what hell is' I was told that night. It is not fiery flames. It is darkness and separation. Devoid of hope.

You must know this. It is a reality for many people.

People need hope. They need love. They need truth.

Light starts in a dark place.

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."